THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the train
Not a creature was stirring,
save Blackadder in pain.
The shotguns were hung
by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Cthulhu
soon would be there.
The investigators were nestled
all snug in their bunks,
Arm, chest and leg
packed away safely in trunks.
And Betty in her kerchief,
and Higgins in his cap,
Had just settled down
for a long winter’s nap –
When out in the lounge
there arose such a clatter
We all sprang from our beds
to see what was the matter.
Reggie tripped over Baldrick
with his usual panache,
Tommy fell onto William
who threw up in the trash.
Blackadder burst into the room
and started to shout,
fell over the trunk
and knocked himself out.
When what sight to our
wondering eyes should bring
but a miniature sleigh
and eight tiny squidling.
With a cephalapod driver
so slimey and blue,
we knew in a moment
it must be Cthulhu!
More rapid than Elders
his spawn as they came,
and he squealed and screeched
and called them by name.
“Now, Basher! now, Rancid!
now, Cancer and Xixen!
On, Vomit! on, Putrid!
on, Spawner and Blitzen! –
To the end of the train,
spread your horror and fright,
do it quickly and well
or no manflesh tonight!”
As dry leaves that before
the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle
mount to the sky,
So down to the train
the squidlings they oozed,
With a sleigh full of Deep Ones –
all part of the ruse.
And then, in a twinkling,
as we witnessed this spectacle,
we heard the slithering and sucking
of each tiny tentacle.
As Blackadder sat up
and William gave a huge belch
Down the chimney Cthulhu
came with a squelch:
He was covered all in slime
in his eye an evil wink,
And his tentacles all covered
with ashes and ink.
A bundle of lawn gnomes
he had flung on his back,
And he looked like Hell’s Peddler
just opening his sack.
His scales, how they glistened!
his eyes, how merry!
His cheeks were all rotten
his nose grey and hairy;
His cavernous mouth
was draw up like a bow,
and the blood on his chin
had an unholy glow.
The stump of a leg
he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood, it encircled
his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face
and a big moldy belly
That shook, when he laughed,
like a boat full of jelly.
He was laughing and screeching –
a right jolly old squid:
And I laughed when I saw him,
in spite of my dread;
A wink of an eye,
and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
we might soon all be dead.
He spoke not a word,
but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings
with the Lad, Lass and Turk.
Then, curling a tentacle
around Baldrick’s nose,
And giving a nod,
up the chimney he rose.
He metamorphed in his sleigh,
to his spawn gave a shriek,
And away they all went
with an ungodly reek.
But I heard him exclaim,
ere they oozed out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night!”
A Cthulhu Christmas, I too had to share.