Recently in Humor Category
I am reminded of why I once wanted to become a priest but didn't.
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
Oh the irony. John Stewart Bitchslaps Crossfire and ther retort, saying he softballed John Kerry. So now even the journalists are treating The Daily Show as a serious source of news. Do yourself a favor and get the show by BitTorrent or read the transcript.
On a related note I picked up America (The Book) which is turning into a real work of art. Totally styled like a school text book but probably more informative. And there is a forward from Thomas Jefferson,
P.S. Oh, and is it true Halle Berry is once again single? If so, I'd be forever in your debt if you would put in a good word for T.J. Oh how I loves the mochachina.
Oh, the humor and education in just a P.S.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, peace activists, and liberals.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and the PATRIOT act.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Recieved from a registered Republican coworker.
IN DEFENSE OF BIBLICAL MARRIAGE
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government.
Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
Passed along at work and I could not resist.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.
Most of it is only funny after having seen Reloaded, well except for the bellow :)
Many years ago, shortly before the success of Speed, you sold your soul to the devil in exchange for a promise of notoriety that your piss-poor acting skills do not deserve. This series is the actualization of this promise.
from The Matrix Reloaded: The Abridged Script
One of the ways I keep things intresting being at the horse job is sharing various bits of geek culture with horse culture. Shortly after Easter cool things to do with Marshmallow Peeps came up. Such as microwaving and Peep Jousting. To my surpirse the coworkers have become quite fascinated with the idea. The intrest has lead them to the Peeps company and running around central Kentucky looking at all the leads to no avail. There is even some wanting to pick Ebay Peeps.
Oh, and if you think geek culture is a bit strange it is pretty "normal" compared to horse culture. Damm those folks are strange.
|The haxor handle of fozbaca is "Binary Seri0us".|
[via UFies.org: Hax0r Handle Generator]
An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.[via stronglytyped]
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The IT guy said, "I like both."
The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.
U.S. Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
CND Reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
U.S. Ship: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND Reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
U.S. Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA,WE ARE A VERY LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!
CND Reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Fact or fiction, you be the judge.
A little tax season humor I recieved from an I.R.S. employee.
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go
on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the train
Not a creature was stirring,
save Blackadder in pain.
The shotguns were hung
by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Cthulhu
soon would be there.
The investigators were nestled
all snug in their bunks,
Arm, chest and leg
packed away safely in trunks.
And Betty in her kerchief,
and Higgins in his cap,
Had just settled down
for a long winter's nap -
When out in the lounge
there arose such a clatter
We all sprang from our beds
to see what was the matter.
Reggie tripped over Baldrick
with his usual panache,
Tommy fell onto William
who threw up in the trash.
Blackadder burst into the room
and started to shout,
fell over the trunk
and knocked himself out.
When what sight to our
wondering eyes should bring
but a miniature sleigh
and eight tiny squidling.
With a cephalapod driver
so slimey and blue,
we knew in a moment
it must be Cthulhu!
More rapid than Elders
his spawn as they came,
and he squealed and screeched
and called them by name.
"Now, Basher! now, Rancid!
now, Cancer and Xixen!
On, Vomit! on, Putrid!
on, Spawner and Blitzen! -
To the end of the train,
spread your horror and fright,
do it quickly and well
or no manflesh tonight!"
As dry leaves that before
the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle
mount to the sky,
So down to the train
the squidlings they oozed,
With a sleigh full of Deep Ones -
all part of the ruse.
And then, in a twinkling,
as we witnessed this spectacle,
we heard the slithering and sucking
of each tiny tentacle.
As Blackadder sat up
and William gave a huge belch
Down the chimney Cthulhu
came with a squelch:
He was covered all in slime
in his eye an evil wink,
And his tentacles all covered
with ashes and ink.
A bundle of lawn gnomes
he had flung on his back,
And he looked like Hell's Peddler
just opening his sack.
His scales, how they glistened!
his eyes, how merry!
His cheeks were all rotten
his nose grey and hairy;
His cavernous mouth
was draw up like a bow,
and the blood on his chin
had an unholy glow.
The stump of a leg
he held tight in his teeth,
And the blood, it encircled
his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face
and a big moldy belly
That shook, when he laughed,
like a boat full of jelly.
He was laughing and screeching -
a right jolly old squid:
And I laughed when I saw him,
in spite of my dread;
A wink of an eye,
and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
we might soon all be dead.
He spoke not a word,
but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings
with the Lad, Lass and Turk.
Then, curling a tentacle
around Baldrick's nose,
And giving a nod,
up the chimney he rose.
He metamorphed in his sleigh,
to his spawn gave a shriek,
And away they all went
with an ungodly reek.
But I heard him exclaim,
ere they oozed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night!"
A Cthulhu Christmas, I too had to share.
I got my arm cut off and that SUCKED!